joy.....

i am struggling with something right now.
i think it helps me to write it down so here it is....

right now in my life i am in waiting.
always waiting.
waiting for school to finish
waiting for bar to be over.
waiting to make money
waiting to get a house.
always waiting.

in the world we live in (at least for me) having nice things is important.
what you have reflects who you are....
know i this is not true
but knowing something and remembering it are two different things.

i know not having the nicest, cutest clothes is not important. But trying to tell myself that when I am still wearing clothes from high school.... i tend to forget. I would love to have my whole wardrobe as stylish cute clothes that reflect my personality but i don't. And that is okay. People love me anyways.

i know that my kids don't need the cutest clothes. They don't care that they aren't wearing baby gap. They are happy with hand-me downs and thrift store finds. I shouldn't care either, they are cute no matter what they wear.

i know that having a house is not the most important this. but oh how i want one. After eight years of leaving in crappy, tiny apartments i am so ready to finally live in a house. I want to live in a beautifully decorated house that reflects my personality and what i love.... but i don't.

We can not take our clothes to heaven, we can't take our nice stuff and beautiful decorated homes.
We can take our memories and love.
So even though i don't have the stuff i want, i need to remember i do have the stuff i need.
I need to remember to that enjoying that moment i am in is more important then having stuff.
and finding joy in my life is when i find happiness.

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These three kids and my family are what is most important. They bring more happiness then cute clothes or a nice home.

(although some days cute clothes makes you darn happy!)

in service....

This is something that has been on my mind for a while now.
How can I better serve those around me?
Trust me, I think about this daily.
How can I be more Christlike to others.

Some how i have gotten into my head that service is this big grandiose thing.
That to serve you need to go somewhere and be someone.
We have heard all the beautiful stories of those that give of themselves for others.
Those who sacrifice themselves to teach others the gospel.
Those who give of themselves when others are sick.
Those who are constantly thinking about others.

In my life right now I can not leave to go help others as easily as I would like to.
I am not able to devote my time to thinking about others because right now I am a mother.
As i have prayed and talked to my Father in Heaven about my worries that I am so consumed with myself, I realized that my family is just as important as any other person i can serve.
I look at all the new Sister Missionaries who are so excited to get out and serve and I feel bad about myself because i never had that opportunity, I just remember that my children are just as important and teaching them is my mission.... one that never ends.

As i sit here holding my sick baby and realize that daily I have opportunities to serve and become Christlike.

If all i ever do in this life is be a mother, if all i ever do is hold sick children, cook dinners, teach about Jesus and clean constantly, then that is enough.

The Lord knows what i can become. He knows every desire of my Heart.
Even the ones that I can't quite express.

As i come closer to my Father in Heaven I realize that he is all I need, and the spirit fills every longing.

So for those moms who feel like they are not doing enough or they are not enough I am hear to tell you that is you love your kids and you show them then you are showing your Father in Heaven that you love Him.

the constant battle

I haven't really been posting on here, nor have i felt like posting that often.
Sometimes i feel like i just write all this stuff and people roll their eyes and think i am crazy.
Maybe i am....
I mean I really don't know what i am talking about....
I just know how i feel and sometimes i just have to write it down.

Life has been crazy around here.
I feel like i am on a really fast moving roller coaster.
I have really high days, but also really really low days.
Days when i felt good about what i was doing
and days when I just wanted to cry in bed.
I knew that was going to happen, I expected that.
what i did not expect was the constant battle within myself.
I made my decision.
I chose my family over my distractions. (see this post)
Then why do i feel like Satan is trying harder then ever to try to make me distracted again.

We all have our own struggles, trials and temptations.
Most of the time we can't look at someone and see the pain that they have in their life.
Every morning I wake up and I have to remind myself who I am and what i want in this life.
Maybe it will get easier.
Maybe one day i will not hear that other voice anymore.
but for now I will continue to pray and read the scriptures and take care of my family..... even when i do not what to.
there are times when i feel like I have bitten off more then i can chew with this homeschooling stuff
But i know how i felt and i just have to have faith along with my works.

There are days that are hard, when i end up praying most of the day just to make it to bed time.
Then there are days that I feel amazing. When i know my Father in Heaven hears and loves me.

I trust in the good days.
I pray for "that Joy which is unspeakable"
I have Faith that through Him I am strong enough.

perfectly imperfect

i survived our first week of homeschooling.....
i can say that it went better then i was anticipating but it wasn't perfect.
that is something that i have come to learn and i am still learning.
it is not going to be perfect.

I have this woman in my head.
She wakes up early every morning and reads and prepares for the day.
She always makes a good breakfast for her kids.
Her kids are always calm and quiet and listen to her.
Her house is always clean and organized.
She makes homemade meals everyday
And her homeschool is always planned and perfect.

I know life is not like that.
life is not perfect.
Every day i pray that i can accept the imperfect parts of my life.
That i can accept my life the way it is and enjoy every moment.
It is so hard.

Today has been one of those days.
my kids are hyper and crazy.
my patience is lacking today.
the house is a mess and school didn't last longer then 30 mins.
I can accept that.
Tomorrow is another day and I can try again.
The Lord knows I have done my best.
I can accept that my life is perfectly imperfect.

Our school day looks like this....

wake up when ever (usually between 7:00-7:30)
Make breakfast (most of the time cereal but occasionally i mix pancakes or cream of wheat in the mix)
go upstairs to clean and get dressed. ( I try to read my scriptures while they play for a while.... it works most days....)
after we are ready we come downstairs and clean the kitchen and get school ready.
For school i start with a song and a prayer.
We learn a new song every week and a new scripture every month. ( it gives me something to teach.)
We read a story out of the Friend then i have them write/draw in their journals.
Then i have them do some worksheets out of some books i got. They really like doing those.
We have snack because by then we all need a break and I wish the weather was warm more then anything!
We read lots of books because that fills up time and play games.
I let them paint or color and then I am done.
School lasts maybe 2 hours and I think that is dang good!!!!
after lunch is naptime and I don't do anything after naptime, well except make dinner and put them to bed.
It helps that the kids enjoy doing school with me because if i heard that jacob wanted to go back it would be hard on me.
I feel the Lord is helping me and strengthening me. He knows my weaknesses and He is helping me to make them strong.

I am imperfect, just the way I am supposed to be.
Today didn't go as "Planned" but that is okay.

   Growing up I never doubted, never questioned my testimony. I tried to do what was right and be like Jesus.  My testimony was always there, until this past year and I went through my depression I really felt like my whole life was being pulled out from under me. I started to doubt myself, my testimony and my life. I questioning my testimony for the first time and it hurt. Sometimes it hurt so bad I couldn't function. I felt Satan taking hold of me and pulling me down somewhere that I never wanted to go. Satan knows exactly where to hit me and he hits hard. I felt like I was alone, like there was no one fighting for me. My Heavenly Father and Savior were just letting Satan take me and weren't doing a thing to stop him. I was alone. Those days were hard. Waking up to a life that I knew should make me happy but I wasn't. The guilt was consuming and just looking at my children made me cry. I wasn't the right mother for them. They needed a mother way better than me, someone who had the strength to fight and didn't doubt and didn't feel unhappy.

this is a poem that I wrote at one of my low points.

i fear there is something wrong with me.

something irreversible and upsetting.

what else am i to think when i feel i am falling,

sliding off the board that i have set my life on.

my life is not stable anymore.

i am on an edge and looking down.

the days mix together and become like a blur.

how can one day be so high, almost floating

and the next so low and depleted? 

these peaks i can not take

i am teetering in on insanity

waiting for the moment i plunge

into the madness i know waits below

i look at their faces, so happy, so sure.

it is like a glass door is in front of me.

i am knocking, banging, pleading 

at Life's door to let me in.

but the door is closed 

i am on the outside

i see the truth of this life.

it is haunting me

tormenting me

a ghost of what i can have

but just can't seem to reach

who will fight for me?

who cares if i am battered and broken

or lay bleeding on the floor

i am at war within myself

fighting for the truth i can see but can't feel

there will be a day when the fog clears

when i see the sun, and feel its sincerity 

when suffocation loses its grip

and i am just me again.

-suzie 

        I can see now, that I am through that cloud of depression, that I was never alone, it was just Satan putting that thought in my head. My Savior was always fighting for me. I came through this trial of faith with my testimony stronger then it was before and I know that I had to go through that. I know that no matter how hard that trial was I needed to go through it. I needed that trial of faith to see how strong and faithful i really am, to find out that I am never alone. I wasn't alone when I sat crying in church because I felt so guilty that I was the worst mother in the world. I wasn't alone when my house was a disaster and it was all I could do not to go back to bed. I wasn't alone when I could not bring myself to pray. My Heavenly Father was still there for me. He loves me. I am his daughter. He knows me; He knows how strong I am. Sometimes he gives us trials so we can see it. So we can see what is really important, what really makes us happy. There are times when I feel Satan trying to take me, and I know that I will have more trials of faith but I know my testimony is stronger I will get through them. I have faith that those things that bring me closer to my family and my savior will make me so much happier than anything Satan tells me.

          Writing this is really scary. I am pouring my heart, my testimony out here for everyone to see and judge. It is something that I feel I need to do. Maybe to have it written so I can reread it and get strength from it again. Maybe my children someday will need these words. Maybe there is someone out there feeling the same way I do, feeling alone, like there is no one out there fighting for them and they can't go on anymore. We are never alone. He is always there with us. One of my favorite scripture is John 14:27

“ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

I always read this scripture and I can feel my Saviors love for me, no matter what I am going through. No matter what we are never alone.

it is all or nothing....

today i failed as a mother....

i had my day planned out.
i was going to make breakfast.... cereal in a bowl in front of the TV is what they got.
i was going to clean my house.... yeah that didn't happen.
i was going to finish my laundry.... still sitting in the basket.
i was going to stay off the computer..... sucked me in again.
i was going to be kind.... got mad at Jacob when he was whispering in my ear about something while i was on the computer (feel guilty about that one)
i was going to be patient.... bedtime couldn't come soon enough.

i have gotten into this way of thinking that it is all or nothing.
i am perfect or i fail.
i have to be patient all day or i fail
i have to be kind all day or i fail
that is simply not true.
my Father in Heaven only asks for my best..... and tomorrow is a new day.

here is what i did good today.
i fed them breakfast... Cheerios is a wonderful breakfast! And a banana? These kids are spoiled!
i took my kids to the park..... granted it was freezing and Sam tried to eat cat poop but still, GO ME!
i wrote in my journal.... that is important right?
i told my children i loved them.

for all i do wrong in the day, i do somethings right.
and that is what i chose to remember and i can try again tomorrow.
and it is MONDAY!

my calling

as i read over my posts i hope that i inspire other woman to be mothers.

i hope one day i will inspire my daughter to be a mother.

as i write this i am exhausted.

my children were up at 5:45am and there was no way i could fight it today.

i am sitting in a messy house that i just have not cleaned.

i am listening to my children fight and cry.

i hear Jacob asking to play video games for the tenth time this morning...

and today i love it.

today i am grateful that i am a mother.

i am grateful for who i am.

when i am asked what i do i will usually say.."oh i just stay at home"

i say it as though it is nothing important or special.

what i should say is "I get to stay at home and be a mother to my children."

today i am proud to be a mother.

motherhood is not something that you can chose to do one day, then decide you don't want to do it the next.

motherhood is a calling.

i have been giving the calling to nurture and teach my children.

i was given the calling by my Father in Heaven.

sometimes i wonder if He knew what He was doing.

He knows my faults and my weaknesses.

but He still gave those sweet amazing spirits to me.

my children are amazing.

they are sweet, beautiful, smart and loving.

how i came to be their mother is a mystery to me. 

but if He has faith in me, i should too.

i don't always like being a mom.

i don't always like having to care for someone else 24/7.

some days i would love to just think about me and only me for one day.

but i always love my children.

they make me a better person. 

they help me be unselfish.

they teach me to be forgiving.

they love me know matter what i do or how i look.

being a mother does make me a better person.

in this world we need more mothers.

we need people that are less selfish.

we need people who are more forgiving.

we need nurturers.

for me being a mother to my children is the most important thing i will ever do in this life.

i will never be famous or rich.

but i can be me.

there are days when i feel like saying " what was i thinking?"

but i have so many wonderful friends and family that are amazing examples to me of motherhood.

i want to be honest in my feelings about motherhood.....

it is hard.

some days are harder then others.

it isn't always smiles and cute clothes.

there are times i just want to sit and cry.

but i remind myself that it is worth it, 

i say a quick prayer and push on until bedtime.

i hope i inspire others.

i hope i help other know they are not the only ones that feel overwhelmed.

motherhood can get pretty lonely sometimes.

it is a blessing to have woman that understand, feel and know what i am saying.

i am grateful.