Growing up I never doubted, never
questioned my testimony. I tried to do what was right and be
like Jesus. My testimony was always there, until this past year and I
went through my depression I really felt like my whole life was being pulled
out from under me. I started to doubt myself, my testimony and my life. I
questioning my testimony for the first time and it hurt. Sometimes it hurt so
bad I couldn't function. I felt Satan taking hold of me and pulling
me down somewhere that I never wanted to go. Satan knows exactly where to hit
me and he hits hard. I felt like I was alone, like there was no one fighting
for me. My Heavenly Father and Savior were just letting Satan take me and
weren't doing a thing to stop him. I was alone. Those days were hard. Waking up
to a life that I knew should make me happy but I wasn't. The guilt was
consuming and just looking at my children made me cry. I wasn't the right
mother for them. They needed a mother way better than me, someone who had the
strength to fight and didn't doubt and didn't feel unhappy.
this is a poem that I wrote at one of my low points.
i fear there is something wrong with me.
something irreversible and upsetting.
what else am i to think when i feel i am falling,
sliding off the board that i have set my life on.
my life is not stable anymore.
i am on an edge and looking down.
the days mix together and become like a blur.
how can one day be so high, almost floating
and the next so low and depleted?
these peaks i can not take
i am teetering in on insanity
waiting for the moment i plunge
into the madness i know waits below
i look at their faces, so happy, so sure.
it is like a glass door is in front of me.
i am knocking, banging, pleading
at Life's door to let me in.
but the door is closed
i am on the outside
i see the truth of this life.
it is haunting me
tormenting me
a ghost of what i can have
but just can't seem to reach
who will fight for me?
who cares if i am battered and broken
or lay bleeding on the floor
i am at war within myself
fighting for the truth i can see but can't feel
there will be a day when the fog clears
when i see the sun, and feel its sincerity
when suffocation loses its grip
and i am just me again.
-suzie
I can see now, that I am through that
cloud of depression, that I was never alone, it was
just Satan putting that thought in my head. My Savior was always
fighting for me. I came through this trial of faith with my testimony stronger
then it was before and I know that I had to go through that. I know that no
matter how hard that trial was I needed to go through it. I needed that trial
of faith to see how strong and faithful i really am, to find out that I am never
alone. I wasn't alone when I sat crying in church because I felt so guilty that
I was the worst mother in the world. I wasn't alone when my house was a
disaster and it was all I could do not to go back to bed. I wasn't alone when I
could not bring myself to pray. My Heavenly Father was still there for me. He loves
me. I am his daughter. He knows me; He knows how strong I am. Sometimes he
gives us trials so we can see it. So we can see what is really important, what
really makes us happy. There are times when I feel Satan trying to
take me, and I know that I will have more trials of faith but I know my
testimony is stronger I will get through them. I have faith that those things
that bring me closer to my family and my savior will make me so much happier
than anything Satan tells me.
Writing this is really scary. I
am pouring my heart, my testimony out here for everyone to see and judge. It is
something that I feel I need to do. Maybe to have it written so I can reread it
and get strength from it again. Maybe my children someday will need these
words. Maybe there is someone out there feeling the same way I do, feeling
alone, like there is no one out there fighting for them and they can't go on
anymore. We are never alone. He is always there with us. One of my favorite
scripture is John 14:27
“ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth,
give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let
it be afraid.”
I always read this scripture and I can feel my Saviors love for
me, no matter what I am going through. No matter what we are never alone.
Thank your for sharing your testimony.
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautiful post. I appreciate your honesty and your testimony. I'm sure most of us can relate in some way to what you've written. Our trials aren't all the same, but I think it's the storms, and the times we feel broken, not the times of peace and easiness that turn us into the people we need to be. Love you!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Testimony! This brought me to tears!
ReplyDelete