Finding Happyness in Motherhood

   Growing up I never doubted, never questioned my testimony. I tried to do what was right and be like Jesus.  My testimony was always there, until this past year and I went through my depression I really felt like my whole life was being pulled out from under me. I started to doubt myself, my testimony and my life. I questioning my testimony for the first time and it hurt. Sometimes it hurt so bad I couldn't function. I felt Satan taking hold of me and pulling me down somewhere that I never wanted to go. Satan knows exactly where to hit me and he hits hard. I felt like I was alone, like there was no one fighting for me. My Heavenly Father and Savior were just letting Satan take me and weren't doing a thing to stop him. I was alone. Those days were hard. Waking up to a life that I knew should make me happy but I wasn't. The guilt was consuming and just looking at my children made me cry. I wasn't the right mother for them. They needed a mother way better than me, someone who had the strength to fight and didn't doubt and didn't feel unhappy.

this is a poem that I wrote at one of my low points.

i fear there is something wrong with me.

something irreversible and upsetting.

what else am i to think when i feel i am falling,

sliding off the board that i have set my life on.

my life is not stable anymore.

i am on an edge and looking down.

the days mix together and become like a blur.

how can one day be so high, almost floating

and the next so low and depleted? 

these peaks i can not take

i am teetering in on insanity

waiting for the moment i plunge

into the madness i know waits below

i look at their faces, so happy, so sure.

it is like a glass door is in front of me.

i am knocking, banging, pleading 

at Life's door to let me in.

but the door is closed 

i am on the outside

i see the truth of this life.

it is haunting me

tormenting me

a ghost of what i can have

but just can't seem to reach

who will fight for me?

who cares if i am battered and broken

or lay bleeding on the floor

i am at war within myself

fighting for the truth i can see but can't feel

there will be a day when the fog clears

when i see the sun, and feel its sincerity 

when suffocation loses its grip

and i am just me again.

-suzie 

        I can see now, that I am through that cloud of depression, that I was never alone, it was just Satan putting that thought in my head. My Savior was always fighting for me. I came through this trial of faith with my testimony stronger then it was before and I know that I had to go through that. I know that no matter how hard that trial was I needed to go through it. I needed that trial of faith to see how strong and faithful i really am, to find out that I am never alone. I wasn't alone when I sat crying in church because I felt so guilty that I was the worst mother in the world. I wasn't alone when my house was a disaster and it was all I could do not to go back to bed. I wasn't alone when I could not bring myself to pray. My Heavenly Father was still there for me. He loves me. I am his daughter. He knows me; He knows how strong I am. Sometimes he gives us trials so we can see it. So we can see what is really important, what really makes us happy. There are times when I feel Satan trying to take me, and I know that I will have more trials of faith but I know my testimony is stronger I will get through them. I have faith that those things that bring me closer to my family and my savior will make me so much happier than anything Satan tells me.

          Writing this is really scary. I am pouring my heart, my testimony out here for everyone to see and judge. It is something that I feel I need to do. Maybe to have it written so I can reread it and get strength from it again. Maybe my children someday will need these words. Maybe there is someone out there feeling the same way I do, feeling alone, like there is no one out there fighting for them and they can't go on anymore. We are never alone. He is always there with us. One of my favorite scripture is John 14:27

“ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

I always read this scripture and I can feel my Saviors love for me, no matter what I am going through. No matter what we are never alone.